While standing in my truest, heartfelt expression, I was forced to accept and honour my emotional limitations. What was once a connection that acted as the foundation of my emotional landscape, became painfully misaligned and emotionally self-abusive to the point my physical health began to decline.
My Philosophy As A Lived Experience
I’m learning that, for me, freedom (in connection) and being self-led isn’t just about being accepting of others and responsible for my emotions and vulnerability—though this is vital. To me, embodying my philosophy also includes learning about, accepting and honouring my true expression, my limitations and my needs. It’s about discerning what is beneficial and what is harmful to my well-being. It’s about looking after myself with care and compassion and making decisions that maintain my individually crafted self-care plan. It’s about not making anybody else responsible for any of the above and it’s only now I am fully and honestly embodying my words; I’m learning a difficult truth of walking my own philosophy:
freedom is radical acceptance
Not just of others, but most importantly, myself (and my limitations).
The Non-Linear Journey To Internal Peace
I join the start of September with the beginning of a new yet familiar, uncomfortable journey; a journey as a single, standalone human. With it brings a faint, peaceful breeze and ushers in a whisper of heavy pain from the fading silhouette of a connection I’ve just let go of. I am no stranger to this feeling as I have been here many times. When the echo of childhood neglect became so great I would end a connection, take a few days to regulate my emotions and as soon as the discomfort of being alone kicked in, I would download a dating app in search of someone to satisfy my need to avoid my pain.
It would be so easy for me to believe by ending yet another connection because the pain I felt was too much to bear, that I’d not moved forward, that I’d just gone back to old ways of being and repeating patterns I’ve not yet managed to shed. But this would be a lie.
Even though I was surviving—seemingly winning—through months of being triggered and staring my childhood neglect in the face, I failed to recognise that the lessons had passed and I was merely sitting with pain I no longer needed to sit with. I failed to remember I had a choice. I became my own abuser, forcing myself to remain in a connection that was, toward the end, serving as little more than a reminder of the pain I’ve carried since I was little and a mirror to how I was treating myself.
Yes, I may have repeated the same pattern where I chose someone who would give me more of the same thing: behaviours and lifestyle choices that brought echos of my childhood that I needed to face in order to heal the wounds that kept me stuck in order to become a whole human-being. I genuinely thought that by widening my window of tolerence, being able to look after myself and self-regulate throughout an entire summer of triggers, I would get to a place of peace. I would heal. And to a large degree, I did.
My window of tolerence is now huge. I can regulate my emotions when feeling immense anxiety. I can show up, vulnerable, even when faced with a deeply rooted desire to avoid. I thought this was what it meant to heal and in part, it is. But I’m learning these are really just tools I can use when faced with those moments that cause immense emotional pain. But in truth, I was so far away from looking after myself.
This is when, even though I felt I had just stepped backward, I realised I had moved forward. I had begun breaking the old, tired patterns I was so used to being in. I had begun to heal.
Acceptance As A Way To Freedom
By accepting my own emotional limitations, by consciously choosing to let go of a harmful connection I was unhealthily attached to—despite wanting desperately to remain in it. By no longer neglecting my emotional need for peace and ignoring the signs from my body that my capacity to hold this pain and anxiety I felt was spent, I had begun breaking down this self-made prison. These were the biggest lessons of all of. These decisions are what broke the patterns that kept me in pain. By choosing what was good for my well-being, I was finally looking after myself and putting myself first. I was finally healing the neglect I faced as a child.
Sometimes what may feel like avoidance, like failure, like a backward step, is actually the biggest form of self-care we can show ourselves.
I hold no blame in my heart regarding my connection with L. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. I honour the humanity in us both and I honour myself. I honour the connection and I honour my decision to release it and I am grateful for the two and a half year journey we shared.
Sitting Within The Peace Of The Aftermath
I have moments where my mind is quieter. I feel I can breathe again. My parts are resting in the safety of my decision to choose their peace over the perceived chaos the connection brought with it. My body is lighter and calmer; the kind of calm after a hurricane dies when everything is settling still. Where destruction can be witnessed, felt, but the danger has passed. Where safety can once again be held—but it’s now time to clean up and rebuild.
As I reflect, I’m painfully aware the only neglect I’ve felt since I became an adult is my own. I have only betrayed myself along the way; nobody has had that level of power over me since I was a child and I take full responsibility. I now choose presence, care and peace over neglect and betrayal (of myself). No more running. No more chasing. No more seeking to be saved. I am here. Now. Being the rescuer, the parent, for myself and my internal family instead of rescuing others.
Yet, in other moments, it’s hard not to feel like a fraud. I speak of allowing others to be free, be themselves, to show up authentically and for that to just be OK for me. And it is OK. We must all be true to who we are. But somewhere I became lost in a specific vision of freedom and I failed to see the limitations imposed by my childhood trauma.
As the chaos dies and I move into a clearer perspective, I see that, actually, this experience only serves to solidify my personal philosophy—that acceptance as a way of freedom is paramount; most importantly, acceptance of myself. By leaning into this, without blame or demands of performance to ease my discomfort, the misalignment became clear and I was able to make a decision that was for the benefit of my well-being; it hurts to let go, but I am equally proud of us both for having the courage to be true to ourselves.
Stepping Into New Ways Of Being
I now shift my focus from chasing people in a distant, lingering hope they might save me, and instead choose to save myself. I am, for the first time in my adult life, about to spend a considerable amount of time removed from what causes this persistent illusion; I am to repair an aspect of the tumultuous abyss of childhood trauma my parts have been so desperately working hard to avoid.
Through the darkness it’s hard to see myself, yet others claim to see me just fine—I want to see what everybody thinks they see. I want to meet that person.
I want to know who I am beyond the pain I have carried for decades.
I know this will, at times, be a difficult path and that’s ok—I’m no stranger to difficulties. I’m ready and willing to endure what is needed in order to find myself. If I do not, I will forever be causing my own pain and wanting to be rescued from it. Healing is personal. It’s unique to each of us and it doesn’t need to look a certain way. It’s not a failure to see and honour your limitations, yet fail you will to ignore them.
Life, healing, and connection: it’s a beautifully messy adventure and one that I fully embrace and I’m especially looking forward to exploring the connection with myself.
