As I type I am in the midst of death and I’m scared. I worry I am taking the wrong turn. For decades all I’ve known is self-abandonment, codependence and attachment troubles. I was what is called a serial monogamist, jumping from one relationship to the next without much break between, if at all. On…
Death by Avoidance
Bsdlflc;sajflasifnashf This is my digital vomit (digivom, if you will) all over the keyboard as I continue to do everything but the thing I am supposed to be doing. I want to be writing my book and instead I look for a new theme for my blog.. because yeah, I needed another one! fuck sake….
Safety isn’t boring
My nervous system is on high alert quite a bit, often stuck in the sympathetic state (fight, flight, fawn, freeze response). That is my default. So naturally people like me tend to subconsciously seek people who give us more of the same; people who aren’t safe will give us what we need. Feeling anything but…
Lies, lies and more lies
Would society really crumble without lies?
radical acceptance
The boundary to what we can accept, is the boundary to our freedom – Tara Brach
My Heart Plays The Cello
For all the times I have abandoned myself. All the times I’ve abandoned them; it might be easier to count the times they’ve felt seen by me. I manage a regurgitated echo of their pain and it leaves my throat as something so ugly and desperate. I bark and bite behind a waterfall and I’m…
The Silence of Letting Go
I feel you. I try to let go and realise I’m not holding on. And I wonder why you’re still with me. I’ve never known a person so deeply entwined. I loved you so much. Lingering like a ghost. We fucked things up so amazingly well. Was I in love with what I thought we…
When the Sky Falls
I wrote this 6th October 2020. The water reflects a monsterUgly and brokenArmoured skin too old to hold the scarsA mind trapped, tumultuously, behind barsScratch the surface, maybe I’ll see the light you seeBut to me I’ll just beWasting my timeMy blood, the taste, it’s fineBut leaves a bitter crashLike a rat-eaten hidden stashA little…
The Dark Night of Us
Has it really been that long since I posted last? So much has happened… The past 9 months have kicked my arse. I ended up losing myself completely in my most recent monogamous relationship and nearly drowning in an ocean of hurt, piss and shit. I’ve re-traumatised myself a few times because I was boundaryless…
Stuck
I slowly surface from the depths of slumber and I’m greeted by a bright, playful sunlight. It strokes my skin and warms my yawning heart. Today feels like a good day. I slowly turn and feel the heat turn to a darkened chill. I quickly move back to chase the sun but she’s been hidden…