At the exact same moment, their heart stops dead and they sourly insufflate airborne dust. The computer screen hugs their eyeballs; it’s blindingly bright down here.
“Just another thing for you to fuck up.” I sparkle as the words leave my mouth.
They release a breath they’ve held captive for what seems far too long and their heart throbs a tumultuous, tardy beat, settling back into a healthier rhythm; the heat is deafening.
When you touch me, yeah, I feel butterflies
I stab them with “What are you doing? You don’t have that kind of talent.”
Humming.
I hear humming.
She’s outside my door and every sandpaper-covered note scrapes against the drum of my ears and the pain travels up to my brain and rockets through every single neural pathway. Their optimism brings bile to my throat and I wince from the stench. Maybe I’ll get Sadie to slit her throat. “Big mistake. Huge.”
You say that you’re stuck in a pale blue dream
“Will you never learn? You do not finish anything you start.” I confidently advise.
“Maybe this time it’ll be different,” hums Olivia, through the crack in the wall.
I don’t control my laughter. “It never is, and you know it.”
“Well,” she hums, “this degree is more your style isn’t it? It’s—” She sings the last word, “—cre-a-tive.”
“You do not have a creative bone in your body. If you did, you’d be doing it by now and you’re what,” I taper the depth of my voice for effect, “nearly fifty years old?”
Olivia gently responds. “Always late to the party. But you always arrive and that’s what counts.”
“You get there when the party is nearly done and nobody cares you’ve arrived.” I don’t flinch any more.
Can anybody find me… somebody to love
“Never mind what crusty Carl says,” she trails off in song form. “A dream’s as far as it gets for a lot of people.”
“And you are nothing but a loser with a trail of abandoned dreams.” I say, without pausing.
It lands.
Darkness pervades as they close their eyes; I soften into myself and exhale through a smug smile. In my mind are the echos of my words and my chest is full, knowing I keep them from harm. They get too big, think too highly of themselves. They show up, nakedly confident, and it never ends well. It’s been this way ever since I was recruited in the early ’80s.
Ridicule.
Rejection.
Failure.
Exposure.
As long as I’m here, they’re safe.
“You mean, small and sheltered?” They respond, gently, with a smile. “I see you, Carl.”
My face swells with a fire that the sweat from my armpits are unable to douse; I place a hand over my mouth and feel its moist skin sizzle.
“Thank you. For keeping me safe all these years.” They hand their words with a gentle, open palm.
I don’t even manage a stutter. Decades of service; I will not go down.
“No?” They ask, playfully confrontational.
“No what?” I retort.
“You, not going down.”
Ed il mio bacio scioglierà il silenzio che ti fa mia
A few self help books and suddenly they’re a mind reader. “Um, boundaries?”
“Shall we save those for the outsiders?” They ask, rhetorically.
“You are far too weird to have any friends, besides, outsiders are stupid and not worth our time.” I deliver a double whammy.
Their tone becomes sharply warm. “I’m doing this degree.”
“I give you two months before you give up.” I will not go down.
Not ever.
I’ve worked too hard for too long to just give in; Olivia sings softly in the background.
“I love you, Carl.” They say sweetly.
But I taste a tinge of tease and their voice is now a lump wedged in my throat.
“FYI, I’ve finished a few things lately.” They giggle. “You must be tired? Why don’t you have a break?”
I have nothing. I say nothing. I have no words. For the first time in 40 years, I have nothing to say.
“You can do this. I believe in you.” Hums Olivia.
No. Fuck that; I have plenty to say. “Fuck you very much and see you when you fail!”
