I am not ok.
I am not ok.
I have so much hurt; it’s overwhelming me.
I make decisions as if they’ll lead me toward peace but all I find is more pain.
And fear.
The more pain I feel the bigger fear grows.
The cycle becomes symbiotic and both fear and pain become uncontrollable, unmanageable.
Unpredictable.
Until it all becomes engulfing and I no longer know what I fear, other than fear.
I’m scrambling.
I’m angry.
I’m scared.
I lost myself somewhere; I hear them screaming but I can’t unshackle their chains.
They are not ok.
Every adaptation, every neglectful shrug, a step further away from who I was.
I can barely hear the cries, now.
But I can feel their pain.
And I stand. Still. Exhausted.
The crumbling walls can no longer go denied.
I must go into the darkness I’ve helped create.
Retrace the steps only I know I took and listen to their pain and find my way.
Back.
To me.
To them.
I turn toward the darkness.
Afraid of what I might find in the shadows.
Afraid of what I leave behind, in the light.
I tried so hard.
To love.
To be ok.
The more I tried the more I hurt.
Now all I know is pain.
Anger.
Fear.
Betrayal.
Neglect.
Reflections of these just beyond the curtains; reach into the dark.
If you dare.
We will be ok.
