After the initial epiphany moment that I stand under the umberella of being a non-conformist when it comes to gender, I had a beautiful burst of energy where everything made a little more sense in Jamie’s world. I was no longer trying to put a square into a round hole. I accepted and owned my feminine, but at the cost of my masculine.
I began hating all my existing clothes, wanting them to immediately be representative of how I felt; feminine. I bought a few bits I wanted to try: leggings, long line tee-shirts, breifs instead of boxers. I tried on oversized tee’s to go with leggings, which were just hideously tent like. I tried on a tee-shirt type dress which just felt and looked wrong on so many levels. And once again I was trying to fit a piece into a hole it didn’t belong in and I was miserable. The beautiful energy I had was gone and I felt depressed and lonely. I felt like a freak.
There was me thinking I was on my way to the throne of my femininity. In full acceptance, albeit while stumbling like I was drunk and with one hand holding my crown on my head to save it from falling to the floor, the other hand holding up my long gown to stop me falling on my face with the entire court stood watching with eyes awide and jaws on the floor at this discgrace of their monarch. It wasn’t until a conversation with my partner went a little like this:
Me: I look stupid in everything I wear. Nothing feels like it belongs on my skin.
Her: You’re going through a transitional period. You don’t look stupid at all.
Me: I just want to feel like I belong in my skin.
Her: There is no rush. This is a journey. Discovering who you are.
Also her: To lean into your feminine energy is to just be, to be in the flow, take your time and follow your intuition. Taking action and trying to force and control things is more akin to masculine energy.
You know that emoji with wide eyes and a red face? That was me, having realised I was very much in my masculine energy trying to force myself to feel feminine. Just to note: I am a believer in energies, that everything is energy and that masculine and feminine energies exist, and that all humans have a mix of both masculine and feminine energy withing us and each of us have a different ratio of each, which can fluctuate depending on what’s going on for and around us.
That single conversation made me realise I was being my extreme self and disbanding my masculine in order to let my feminine shine by herself for a moment. It was a realisation that releived so much pressure for me. It was like I was shedding one societal gender binary in favour of another. Trying to show the world I wasn’t just a boy by dressing like a girl (I say boy and girl loosely and from the viewpoint of societal binary stereotypes).
Being feminine, to me, isn’t about wearing clothes designed for a girl. It’s about how I feel inside and dressing how I want to dress. How I move my body. How I behave in terms of energy. I do feel the difference between the masculine and feminine energies inside of me and nobody can try and convonce me otherwise. I am Yin and I am Yang. They are both very much alive inside of me and I feel them both. Which is more than ok. I don’t need to prove to myself or anyone of my gender. I don’t need to be assigned to a single gender because I don’t have a single gender. I don’t have a single energy. I have duality which are the parts that create the sum of who I am. I am neither a man, nor a woman, yet I am both simultaneously. And I am becoming ok with that. It is why I use all the pronouns – him / she /them.
I’ve since gone shopping for clothes and have picked an outfit that feels good and doesn’t look the way I think I should be looking. And once again, I am excited. I am happy. And I feel like me: a human being breaking free from how society thinks I should act because I have a thingy between my legs.
Have a beautiful day you beautiful human. We are all beautiful just as we are.
Jamie xx