Has it really been that long since I posted last? So much has happened… The past 9 months have kicked my arse. I ended up losing myself completely in my most recent monogamous relationship and nearly drowning in an ocean of hurt, piss and shit. I’ve re-traumatised myself a few times because I was boundaryless and powerless. My victim [mentality] and I became real good pals, like real close. My attachment system wasn’t broken as such, more it was hacked into and went absolutely bonkers. I completely fell off the wagon toward the end of this period and got back into drinking a fair amount of alcohol and a fair amount of drug taking. I mean, it was fun, I’m not going to lie, until it wasn’t. It was more my last attempt at trying to be someone I used to know and didn’t want to reaquaint myself with. You know the action of a falling ‘propeller seed’? yeah that was my mental well-being for a while. I can laugh now. Well, I say laugh, I mean heavily exhale with pursed lips while thanking fuckery I’m no longer in that space.
I’m thankful to say, in a slightly reluctant manner, that was the last time I will allow myself to be in that space. I flat out fucking refuse to go backwards. Sideways? I don’t mind so much, as is true of any healing endeavour. Forwards? Of course, I’m already out the door. But I won’t backpedal to where I’ve crawled out with bleeding fingers.
When I arrived at the apex of this tumultuous rocky mountain I was staggering up I had to make one of the hardest decisions. A decision I’ve made before and never stuck to. But something was different this time. I think that person I’ve kept in captivity for so long had finally had enough. I think they were exhausted of my bullshit. I was always looking for someone to come and save me from me. I wanted to be rescued. I wanted to be looked after and cuddled. I wanted a parent. We, as adults, walk around and really believe we have our shit together, a phrase that makes me want to vom, and really we are all wounded children to some degree, replacing our parental figures with the people we end up in relationships with, who are also doing the same. Two (or more) people vying to have their unknown needs met and royally fucking shit up even further. Urgh. What a mess. And I was just that. An absolute train wreck of a mess. It took the last abuse of alcohol and ketamine/mkat and my disregard for my needs for me to realise this.
After a period of around two years, conscious of the fact there is no person on this planet who will ever give me what I need and rescue me, I finally arrived at the door of acceptance and made the hard decision of choosing to save myself over saving my relationship. It was that real dark night of the soul moment we all see in movies, right? Where our hero reaches a point where they have to choose love or honour, the girl or the wayward friends, where they are forced to grow the fuck up and step into the shoes they’ve been dragging behind them for way too long, hurting so many people along the way. Well, that was me and yeah, I did that. I fucking chose me. And you know what? It was the best decision of my life and for so many reasons.
Choosing me made that little human inside of me, my inner child, know they are important. I made me, them, us, the most important thing. Something I’ve always looked for a partner to do and never received. Not how I wanted it anyway (which, in all honesty, was a really unfair ask and utterly unreachable by anyone if they wanted to keep an ounce of self respect, and freedom). This moment was huge for us. It broke the dam. And ever since, the water hasn’t stopped gushing. I mean, it’s a raging river right now and I’m learning to handle the flow, learning how to direct it to where I’d like it to nourish the scenery. This decision was only made around 6 or 7 weeks ago and I’m, yet again, an infant learning to walk, babbling out incomprehendable words and stringing discombobulated sentences together. I’m fucked if I know what they mean but hey, I’m learning.
It also got me to a place where I am now, getting to know my needs and setting boundaries, showing up authentically and really enjoying who I am. I am slowly taking off the layers of outdated and maladaptive coping mechanisms, overused and toxic thought patterns (I love you, Emmy), working through my fearful avoidant attachment style (which a lot of people mistake for narcissism), that icky sticky enmeshment and codependencey, all the avoidance and anxiety, the passive aggresion, self-sabotage, the massive resentment.. eesh! And I’m replacing them all with vulnerability and honesty and kindness and love and time.. for me, for my little child, for Emmy and for my life (and also for the people in my life who I love deeply). Because I matter. Because I am important. Because I am loved. Because finally I am being rescued. By me. The void I have felt my entire life is now being filled by me. By my love. And it is the safest and truest form of love I have ever felt. It is the love I’ve been looking for from others my entire life. I finally feel a lot safer. And I’m not taking away from this win by saying this but yes, it’s still very early days and I’ve a lot to learn. But the difference in my well-being on all levels, how I communicate, how I show up, is beyond huge. It is beyond beautiful. For me, it is just… stunning to feel and to witness in myself.
I absolutely [am learning to] love who I am. And it is better than any drug I’ve ever tried. And I’ve tried a fair few. Just to be over that apex and see the view of the other side of trauma, anxiety, depression and emotional turmoil is nothing short of miraculous to me because I didn’t think it was possible. I still, at times, catch myself waiting for it all to come crashing down. It hasn’t yet. And as long as I stay true to myself, make myself important, honour my needs and boundaries, show up authentically, basically do the work, I don’t believe I’ll be privvy to the shit storm crashing back in my face. And when other shit storms show up, as they will, I will be so much better equipped to handle them.
To all of you who are on a path of healing, or want to embark on one, or are in search of that something because you know something isn’t right.. I wish you well, I send you love. Hang in there. There is more after the dark night of our lives. We just gotta push through as gently as we can and never lose sight of hope, never lose sight of us.
If you’d like me to post how it was I got to this place, drop me a comment and I’ll be sure to write up some articles.
Lot’s of love, Jamie xx