As I type I am in the midst of death and I’m scared. I worry I am taking the wrong turn. For decades all I’ve known is self-abandonment, codependence and attachment troubles. I was what is called a serial monogamist, jumping from one relationship to the next without much break between, if at all. On…
Category: The Unravelling
Process writing, healing stories, emotional inquiry
Safety isn’t boring
My nervous system is on high alert quite a bit, often stuck in the sympathetic state (fight, flight, fawn, freeze response). That is my default. So naturally people like me tend to subconsciously seek people who give us more of the same; people who aren’t safe will give us what we need. Feeling anything but…
My Heart Plays The Cello
For all the times I have abandoned myself. All the times I’ve abandoned them; it might be easier to count the times they’ve felt seen by me. I manage a regurgitated echo of their pain and it leaves my throat as something so ugly and desperate. I bark and bite behind a waterfall and I’m…
The Silence of Letting Go
I feel you. I try to let go and realise I’m not holding on. And I wonder why you’re still with me. I’ve never known a person so deeply entwined. I loved you so much. Lingering like a ghost. We fucked things up so amazingly well. Was I in love with what I thought we…
When the Sky Falls
I wrote this 6th October 2020. The water reflects a monsterUgly and brokenArmoured skin too old to hold the scarsA mind trapped, tumultuously, behind barsScratch the surface, maybe I’ll see the light you seeBut to me I’ll just beWasting my timeMy blood, the taste, it’s fineBut leaves a bitter crashLike a rat-eaten hidden stashA little…
The Dark Night of Us
Has it really been that long since I posted last? So much has happened… The past 9 months have kicked my arse. I ended up losing myself completely in my most recent monogamous relationship and nearly drowning in an ocean of hurt, piss and shit. I’ve re-traumatised myself a few times because I was boundaryless…
Stuck
I slowly surface from the depths of slumber and I’m greeted by a bright, playful sunlight. It strokes my skin and warms my yawning heart. Today feels like a good day. I slowly turn and feel the heat turn to a darkened chill. I quickly move back to chase the sun but she’s been hidden…
The Precipice of War
I stand at the precipice of war with a rusted armour too fragile to protect; it causes more pain than protection. But fight I must. The battle has started and bravery is required, else I remain within the towers of my own torment from the demons that sabotage my every thought. My heart is fragile,…
A mile in your shoes
Programmed to the beat of your heart; it is my marching sound. I try and break free, to breathe my own air, to sit within the void, but the stillness suffocates my lungs. Fear. Loneliness. Trauma. Denial. Avoidance. Worth. All these things are twined together to create the umbilical cord attaching my emotions, my worth,…
Tears & Rain
I can’t discern my tears from the droplets of rain cascading down my cheeks; both are warmed by the June sun rising behind the cityscape through my drenched lashes. My soul screams for life. At the top of its lungs for freedom. Until it’s tired to be the focus of the love I have and…